Quotes of the Session

Quotes of the Session
  • “I’m going to go home and tell Karen how good Ari’s butt tasted.” – Joseph
  • “YOU’RE a stud, COME!” – ?
  • Some comment was made about a certain whiskey being the Merlot of the whiskey world because it was “inoffensive”. Then a comment about Canadian whiskey. Then Hans said, “Canadians are like the Merlot of the world population. Inoffensive.”
  • “Sorry about your floor, Matt, but my dick was sweat-welded to my balls.” – Joseph
  • “It takes me at least 15 minutes to scratch my balls” – Hans
    “Because they’re so big.” – Matt?
    “It takes me 15 minutes too, but mine are peanuts, just really damn itchy.” – Joseph
  • “These are the best grapes in the world.” – Hans
    “I wanna taste the best grapes in the world.” – Cathryn
    Bart stands up and mimes unzipping his pants.
  • “Attacking naked is very effective.” – Matt
    “The naked attack, that’s how I got married.” – Bart
  • Staring down at the 20 lbs or so of sausage that Matt and Ari had made…”I’m just gonna go make a sausage run.” – Tony
  • “They were little balls and then they got bigger.” – Matt
    “That’s the yeast action.” – Bart
  • “Do you want mustard?” – ?
    “Yeah, give me an assload.” – ?
    “There’s only one way to measure that.” – Hans
  • “Can I lay hands on myself?” – Matt
    “In the heat of battle, things get even hotter!” – Tony
  • “Yeah, we’re playing strip poker.” – ?
    “If I had known I would have worn less underwear.” – Joseph
    “Because you play to lose!” – Bart
  • “Splurg, in fear of sodomy…” – Bart
    “That’s actually my next album – In Fear of Sodomy” – Tony
  • “(referring to the goblin leader) Is he in repose?” – Joseph
    “Yes, you can stick your dick anywhere.” – Bart
    “He’s actually wearing bulging leather.” – Bart
    “Hot!” – Tony
  • “Flank the lizard!” – Matt
  • “Step up the shit that keeps me warm.” – Bart
    “So step up the whiskey and put your hand on his leg.” – Joseph
  • “Then we’ll see how long my intestines last.” – Bart
    “You sure you don’t wanna pull the pin yourself?” – Matt
  • “Is it a double arch or a single?” – Matt
    “Double.” – Bart
    “They’ve served over a billion burgers.” – Tony
  • “He went dark blind when he joined the party.” – ?
    “Semen in the eye.” – ?
    “It burns, it burns! But it turns me on…” – Tony
  • “(On substituting a bat miniature for a spider) This isn’t it but it’s suitably fearsome.” – Bart
    “My jock itch is more fearsome than that.” – Joseph
  • “I actually open his body cavity, climb in, keep stabbing him from the inside, and come out his mouth.” – Tony
  • “These rooms are lit.” – Bart
    “With the blood of our lord, Jesus.” – Tony
  • “What’s the pit look like?” – Hans
    “Normal, IKEA pit.” – Tony
  • “Give him the box.” – Bart
    (Tony hesitates.)
    “Tony’s always reluctant to give up the box.” – Joseph
  • “So you wanna go to the dark place?” – Matt
    “With you.” – Hans
  • “I climb up and do the nasal cavity of the statue.” – Tony
    “But first he covers it with lunchmeat.” – Hans
  • “Yeah, what is this Bill Cosby “I’m-disappointed-in-you shit.”?” – Joseph
    “No, no, no, but do you have pudding pops?” – Tony
  • “3 minutes in, no dice rolled, and the sodomy jokes have already begun.” – Bart
    “Technically, it was a gangbang joke.” – Joseph
    “Joseph, you have a big booger on your mustache.” – Tony
  • “Wait, I have a question.” – Hans
    “When a man and a woman love each other very much…” – Joseph
  • “Kill it with kindness!” – Tony
  • “He’s down but he’s still hard.” – Tony
    “Is that how you dragged him?” – Joseph
  • “Yes, cuz Slizzy’s slippery.” – Bart
    “He’s only slippery when he’s excited.” – Tony
    “Don’t wet the nodule!” – Joseph
  • (referring to a 3rd piece of vellum found in a wooden tube) “There’s a third sheet.” – Bart
    “It’s a bill.” – Tony
  • “Has anyone seen…uh…Nar…uh…Nar-uh, Nar, Nar gonna work here anymore.” – Tony
  • (referring to the enemy big bad cleric) “He picks up his mace and…” – Bart
    ”...and polishes it.” – Hans
  • “How do you like your meat?” – Ari
    “In me!” – Hans
  • (regarding a house for rent nearby) “But then I’d be close to you, Matt.” – Tony
    “That is a danger.” – Matt
    “But it would bring the rent down.” – Bart
  • “Matt, that smells great. And the food smells good too.” – Tony
  • “There are bushes that count as difficult terrain” – Bart
    “I think I dated her once.” – Joseph
  • (Bart describes this magic tree in the elf hamlet that was cut down by the goblins) “Now it’s a deck at Larry Ellison’s house.” – Joseph
  • “Now we’ll touch base with Markelhay.” – Matt
    “Do we get to touch 2nd base with him?” – Hans
  • (referring to the giant, evil, 6-story tentacle that has emerged from the portal to the Shadowfell) “You know little Japanese schoolgirls triumph over tentacles like this every day.” – Joseph
  • “Should you use my perception?” – Matt
    “Yeah, for my colonoscopy.” – Hans
  • “You approach the door and the arms turn toward you.” – Bart
    “And your crotch glows blue…orcs are near.” – Hans
  • “How’re your neighbors?” – Tony
    “They’re gay.” – Matt
  • “We leave a flaming bag of dog shit at the door and ring the bell.” – Joseph
    “Well, I don’t have any dog shit, but here’s a bag of human shit.” – Jeremy
    “I would have been more alarmed if you actually had dog shit.” – Bart
  • “Actually, that’s a yeast infection in the [Obi’s] folds” – Tony
    “Good, in case I get hungry.” – Hans
  • (to Jeremy/Max, failing his listen check at the door) “You couldn’t hear neighbors having sex if you wanted to…and you do.” – Bart
    “Are you holding your dick anyway?” – Joseph
  • “It’s just hard for them to believe 3 guys just appeared in front of the wolf.” – ?
    “Leaving a trail of blood.” – ?
    “And broken hearts.” – Bart
  • “Ginger liquer? That only leads to headaches and assfucking.” – Matt
  • “Obi does the Truffle Shuffle to avoid being hit.” – Jeremy
  • (regarding witch that attacked Max) “You never called me back!” – Tony
  • “I swear I’m turning into a girl wearing this skirt. I have to pee again.” – Joseph
    “Joseph, you’re not turning into a girl fast enough.” – Hans
  • “You put 3 inches of boar out there and people notice.” – ?
  • “How do you DM these fools?” – Jeremy
  • “OK, I’m gonna just cum on the table.” – Tony
    “Quick, whoever cums last has to eat that (used paper towel).” – Jeremy
  • “I love each and every one of these stains. It’s like my love life on a sweater.” – Tony
  • (Bart shows grease stains on his underwear from The Chicken Gambit) “Don’t lie, they looked like that when you put ‘em on today.” – Joseph
  • “How much do you charge to let me put my hand down your pants? Wait, first one’s free.” – Cathryn
    The Chicken Gambit occurred at this session, but there are really no words that do it justice.
  • “Hanging over the door to the relic shop is…” – Bart
    “Lamb’s blood.” – Tony
    “Mistletoe.” – Hans
    “No, something appropriate for an artifact and curio shop.” – Bart
    “Your mom!” – Tony
  • (after Bart describes the inside of the shop…this is paraphrased) “And there’s a tiny minotaur menorah for the small population of Jewish minotaurs that used to dwell in these caverns.” – Joseph
  • (asking about how many enemies we hear) “More than 2, less than 8?” – Joseph
    “Enough for all of us.” – Matt
  • (to Obi re: his prestidigitation for the orcs) “Show em some orc pussy!” – Joseph
    “Your own.” – Hans
  • (looking at 2 shriveled veal hotdogs from the microwave)”Is this what I have to look forward to in old age?” – Bart
    “That’s what you’ll be bringing to the cathouse.” – Joseph
    ”...saying ‘Put some stink on this!’ and then she wipes a big poop across it.” – Hans
    ”’I’m gonna put you in my will, baby.’” – Bart
  • (after a lengthy ordeal where Rhan’in nearly killed himself climbing along a cliff, Bart asks the party what they do next) “I’m gonna go climb along the cliff.” – Hans
  • “I haven’t thought about Jan Michael Vincent in far too long.” – Joseph
    “I think about him every night.” – Hans
    “When I make love to my wife.” – Tony
  • (quoting a former coworker) ”’The 3 things a man can’t turn down are cocaine, pussy, and honeybaked ham.’” – Joseph
    “That’s why I made my Fleshlight outta honeybaked ham.” – Hans


  • (talking about why projector light bulbs are so expensive)
    “Well they’re made by retarded people. I had a retarded aunt that made light bulbs.” – Matt
  • (thrusting into the sheet at the side of the table such that the projected board was obscured) “This is better 3D than Avatar because we can thrust our junk in and out of your face to get the effect.” – ??
  • (regarding the projector setup) “I have to confess this is pretty badass.” – Bart
    “I have a boner…wanna feel it?” – Hans
    “You’ll have to use two hands.” – Joseph
  • “Eddie, go see the dentist.” – Hans
    “He’s gotten into the van after the ‘want some candy, little girl?’ question a little too often” – Jeremy
    “Actually, they saw his teeth, gave him the lollipop and told him to go.” – Joseph
  • “Looking at the scar tissue, he’s fought many many battles and brought down many foes.” – Bart
    “But does he have a purty mouth?” – Matt
    “He’s missing teeth.” – Bart
  • (regarding guys trying to break down door he’s holding) “There are things trying to get in my ass!” – Tony
    “You never complain when it’s one of us.” – Joseph
  • (regarding whether slave girl is combatant and can provide flank)”Well he certainly has to pay attention to her” – Matt
    “Jealous? Do you have attention issues? Are you upset when there’s a prettier girl than you in the room” – Bart
  • (regarding a light on the digital game map) “Why didn’t that light go on?” – Bart
    “Cuz you didn’t fart loud enough.” – Tony
  • “I can take it out and consume it as a standard action.” – Joseph
    “That’s what I love about you.” – Hans
  • “Making fun of him is like making fun of my sister. Only I can do it.” – Joseph
    “This party deserves to die.” – Matt


  • “We’re about to enter the TPK zone.” – Matt
    “How come we never find ourselves in the DP zone?” – Joseph
  • (regarding illustration of underground fortress) “It looks upside down” – Matt
    “The artist took some license. He wanted more…” – Bart
    “Orange.” – Jeremy
    “Cowbell.” – Tony
  • “You get in a normal rest.” – Bart
    “I usually like to go for a jog after a normal rest.” – Tony
  • “The walls are lined with burial niches.” – Bart
    “Niches and ho’s.” – Tony
  • “You’re all fucking babies.” – Joseph
    “How do you know what I was doing yesterday?” – Jeremy
  • “You tumble to the ground.” – Bart
    “But you think you’re alone now.” – Hans
  • “You are now pregnant.” – Bart
    “Coathangar will save.” – Jeremy
  • (after a fart) “Ah, so warm. It’s like someone’s warm, bad breath on your balls.” – Bart
    “I’m going to tell Beth you said she has bad breath.” – Joseph


  • “Goatse plus sandworms. Gives a whole new meaning to sending out a thumper.” – Joseph
  • “I was reading the wrinkles on his balls. He’s well-kept on top but it’s a jungle down there! I was surprised his ass hair was so long. I wasn’t even on that side.” – Joseph
    “It’s like motherfuckin ZZ Top down there.” – ?
  • (regarding whether it’s ok to have sex with your pregnant wife or will the baby feel it) “He’s gotta feel the shockwaves or something.” – Bart
    “He should get used to it now.” – Tony
  • “As your eyes adjust to the light there appears a figure who can best be described as…” – Bart
    “Don Knotts” – Tony
  • “She got ribs cuz she’s carrying my baby.” – Matt
    “(unknown)” – Amy S.
    “Matt, what do I get for an ass-baby?” – Hans
  • “You haven’t had 12 at a time.” – Bart
    “You haven’t lived.” – Hans
    “And you barely did.” – Joseph
  • “If only we were all wearing grass skirts.” – Joseph
    “They’d all be wilting.” – Bart
  • “The Tiefling is prone.” – Tony
    “Did you get your balls in his mouth?” – Joseph
    “Action point!” – Hans


  • (Matt was trying to open the bottle using the bottle opener on the post and not getting the bottle lodged in it very well) “Dude, it’s astonishing you’ve had 2 children.” – Joseph
  • “430 is the next step.” – Matt
    “What’s the next step?” – Hans
    “Profit.” – Jeremy

Quotes of the Session

All Roads Lead to Sharn ilikecake